New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
