I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize