By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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