i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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