i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
