I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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