Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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