didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
don't judge my taste in strippers
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
