Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When are your genitals available?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
