So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
