I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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