I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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