low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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