textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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