don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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