I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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