At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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