I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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