The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
