I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
