Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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