No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize