Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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