i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My penis needs a shock collar
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
