Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
