Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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