i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Is it penis luge time yet?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
