I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
