I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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