I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
