I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
