we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Someone shattered a urinal.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
