I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
