not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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