what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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