He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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