Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
