it was like his penis was on wheels.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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