Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
