the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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