You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize