I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
