And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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