Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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