the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
