I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
