Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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