did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
