Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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