I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
