If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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