he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
