The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
