even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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