Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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