You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
